#010 - Direct Kitty
A young woman by the name of Kailyn (@itgirlkailyn) took the time to share her thoughts & conversation with one of her homegirls on TikTok — How “the chase” ideology, making a man work for it, not having sex on the first date or too soon. Masking & suppressing our feelings & urges about wanting it as much or equally results in many men losing interest, not wanting us as badly because there’s no longer a chase, and how that type of thinking and actions support rape culture. Due to a woman being present, autonomous, and choosing when, how, and where she’d like to have sex removes the opportunity for us to be manipulated, coerced, and scammed (hunted) into giving it up, which many men get off on… (just like a rapist).
I personally never thought about how The Chase ideology supports rape culture; however, I am keen to the fact that men trimble, doubt themselves, feel less than, and lose interest when approached, and involved with a woman that isn’t prey — that’s direct, vocal, and confident due to my personal experiences. It’s a strange territory, but like Kailyn stated, that (men's reaction to a woman’s directness) has nothing to do with us, it isn’t our fault, and that’s something I’ve been grateful to be aware of & hold on to.
While being in long-term relationship that was relatively healthy, in my early twenties, I wasn’t that aware of how much gaslighting and manipulation society pushes onto women, especially when it comes to tricking a woman out of her spot, and influencing her to be under men, and center men, whilst giving up her sexuality, sensuality, personality, surpressing her eroticism, to remain desirable, pure, and avalibale to be choosen by a man, which is why many self-actualized and autonomous women don’t care to hear Latto rap her one-hand, two-finger body count in the 21st Century. In a world where there is a historical, cultural, and religious context, data, and beliefs that men enforce women to be virgins, or having a low body count to establish their place in the hierarchy in the patriarchal systems, their dominance, stroke their egos & serve their male interests, and in older times, similar to today, to establish property: free labor, in house sex work, etc.
As someone who has been able to navigate my sexuality and sensuality with myself at the center, online rhetoric, and even things I’ve heard with my own ears from men & women, it dawned on me: women aren’t having sex for themselves, they’re having sex for men.
That’s the only thing I could think of as to why women don’t enjoy themselves during sex, gladly position themselves as prey, only to be chased & taken down, or left in shambles mentally & emotionally after sex. I know there’s this belief that women are more emotional, and all that, when it comes to sex, which is why many women are often left in shambles, or can’t navigate/ mentally grasp participating in sex without being prey. Because in my mind, my rule of thumb is that I don’t have sex if I don’t want to; I only have sex if I want to. Therefore, there are fewer regrets, overthinking, and I’m not dealing with the aftermath of restoring myself after being hunted like an animal.
Like I said, I came to this realization based on things I would hear from men, too, like the sex being boring or not enjoyable, and I can assume that only comes from women who only have sex for men. The type that chooses to lie there, not fully present in their bodies, or operating from their sensuality & eroticism.
Due to the amount of gaslighting, manipulation, and propaganda that's pushed onto women to supress their exploration of their auntomy, sensuality, an sexuality, and the number of women who believe in it & uphold it (intentionally or unintentionally) — Sexy women, like myself, who aren't shy, timid, or unsure about ourselves & how we position, and assert ourselves in society, are often shamed, othered, disregarded, labeled, and judged by men & women.
Believe it or not, since I’ve gone full throttle with embracing my darkskin, eroticism, and confidence, men are NOT flooding my DMs, approaching me by the dozen a day, and I don’t have a quality list of men to choose from. My sexiness & confidence have acted as a shield from the weak, the insecure, and hunters & predators. I actually get approached a lot less, and when I’m direct & honest with men, they disappear a lot quicker. However, I did have one guy who actively benefits from the position he holds in the patriarchy, a political position, who attempted to buy it via DM. Another misconception that many people have about attractive, confident women is that the pu*sy is always up for sale.
I wasn’t upset that he asked, because I understand that sex work is one of the oldest occupations in American history. Many women today are actively using their looks and sex appeal to sell sex via social media. Which is why I don’t fault those women, or would ever talk down on them, because many are self-actualized, autonomous, and badass enough to play the game well enough to gain profit, on their terms. I don’t think sex work is for the weak, shameful, or lazy.
I understand, if I were in a different environment, amongst a different demographic, my dating “love” life would look a lot different, which is why actively dating, especially for something serious, isn’t on my agenda or worth my time and attention at this moment in my life. I genuinely have other things that deserve my time, attention, and energy. I don’t feel like playing with men, or being indirect about what I want, to make them feel good about themselves, and the chase. I know that with the light, personality, and disposition that I carry, I may have driven away some hunters & predators. However, I’m aware that I can still be subjected to energy vampires, narcissists, and the worst type of abusers who only desire & pleasure in life is to find a woman like me to break me down and use me for everything I have to offer, till there’s nothing left.
If you need help and insight on navigating your autonomy and sexuality, check out these two writers, who do a great job of providing context & guides on how to do so.
A thoughtful and insightful piece...exactly the kind of thing I enjoy reading on a Tuesday morning :)
YES YES AND YES again. Everyone gets to choose how SHE want to express her sexuality. We are different and we are different in different situations. Loved this read!